I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
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*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?