There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
You Might Also Like
reviewed some movies recently
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Cats (2019)
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.