Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
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[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
God has left this place
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now