Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
You Might Also Like
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
How to draw a duck
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times