Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
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My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.