Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
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Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.