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ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
can I use a minion as a tampon
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes