MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
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Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
The Sun
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers