just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
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me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
🤣🤣🤣
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres