Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
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Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.