“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
You Might Also Like
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”