Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
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Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy