apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
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I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
I feel this so hard
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’