Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
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Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.