You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
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My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Why font matters.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.