I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
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The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.