This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
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Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
This fish is cracking me up
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*