Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
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A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.