[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
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Alexa; make it look like an accident
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Finally
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science