I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
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I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
You have been warned.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there