Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
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Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
as is their right
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade