Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
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Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Happy Halloween 🎃
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?