God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
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*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
this has done me in for some reason
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
#dnd #ttrpg
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.