I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
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My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
“I wouldn’t.”
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
LA today:
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.