Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
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me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.