I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
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People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no