*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
You Might Also Like
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*