Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
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You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?