Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
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Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.