I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
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Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Omg 🤣
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist