My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
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[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.