Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
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My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Teach your children to beatbox
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?