*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
You Might Also Like
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom