My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
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To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”