My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
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I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic