Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
You Might Also Like
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”