What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
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Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.