She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
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Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.