That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
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hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.