Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
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Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.