My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
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I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
What do you hear?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
He-man has a Masters degree