me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
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If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.