[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
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The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.