I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
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Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Candles never taste the way they smell
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”