me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
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furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time