Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
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[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
#Thanos #MondayMood
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do