Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
You Might Also Like
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
12. I think about this all the damn time
no one likes gloating
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut