You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
You Might Also Like
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed