Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
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King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.