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The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”